Images by:

Images by:

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Are Poor Communication Skills Harming Your Relationship? Part 1

Ever tried to talk to your partner or spouse and you just know that they are not listening?  It hurts doesn’t it? It invalidates what you are saying? When you first met, they were so attentive and interested in you. I hope they were or you were missing something really important here. Well, how can you get that back? Sometimes, what we are doing can create behaviour in another person.  If you are complaining to your partner that they never listen to you, think about what your listening skills are like and change your behaviour. If your partner feels listened to then they will begin to listen to you too. Be the leader in this relationship and change it for the better. I have 10 great tips for you to follow and here are the first 3 tips to start you on your journey.

  1. Listening Skills. Next time you are having a chat with a friend who’s company you really enjoy, try to observe your behaviour. Ask your friend what you are you like to talk to and do they feel listened to. Ask them why? There’s that great one word question again? Why? Try to copy your behaviour with your partner/spouse and see what happens. In counselling, we were taught about body language and how important non-verbal communication really is compared to what you actually say. Have an open posture. Uncross your arms and legs. Keep good eye contact. Nod and say yes every now and again to let them know you are listening. My advice is never to have “the talk” whenever you or your partner are angry or tired. It just won’t work out. Ask your partner can you have a chat and if they say no, ask them to let you know when it’s okay. It’s not a competition being in a relationship. It’s about mutual respect and understanding.

  1. Positive Conversation Starters. The worst thing that a person can do is start a conversation like a bull in a china shop. There is no way that someone will listen to you when you are about to throw all the negatives at him or her straight away. Try to start with something positive about them and then you can slowly introduce them to what you would like. “I love it that you take me out on romantic meals. It means a lot to me. It would be nice for me to choose the restaurant now and again. I’d love that.” Get the idea. You are complaining that you never get asked where you would like to go but how much you appreciate that they take you out on romantic meals. Maybe this is one for the men: “I love to see you relaxed and so cute in your fluffy dressing gown. I just want to cuddle you. I haven’t seen you in that sexy negligee for ages though and you look hot in it.” It sounds like manipulation but it’s not. You are appreciating someone for what they are doing or wearing but you are gently telling them what you would like now and again. It’s okay to do that.

  1. The Attack Strategy. This is really simple. Don't do it. Exchange the "you" word for the "I" word and it makes a person find it easier to listen. “You really hurt me when you said that.” Try “I was really hurt when you said that to me.” It just makes it easier to say it without anger. During my training as a counsellor, I had to have at least 25 sessions of therapy to become qualified. Well, how can you counsellor other people if you still have your own issues unresolved? I found it hard to express anger through my life as I thought it made me a bad person. My therapist told me that anger is like a white knight on a horse coming to rescue me. We get angry with our spouses or partners when we are really hurt. To be in a relationship is to be vulnerable. Show them your hurt and they will want to take that pain away. Be gentle. Love is fragile.

Well, I’ll be back with a few more tips in a few days. If you can take some time to try out these good communication skills, it would be great to have some feedback. I’ll be back soon. Find out more about me at

No comments:

Post a Comment